Thursday, July 09, 2009

This post looks long. I blame that on the fact that I'm reading Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs for the fourth of fifth time.

So I've been on a Dillinger Four kick the past few days. Like big time, as in my D4 records are the only ones I've been listening to at all, trying to find the wisdom and philosophy in the musings of a drunken fat man, Saint Patrick. I'm not sure how successful I've been but it's been a good ride and it's actually helped me restore some semblance of order in the Fortress of Solitude mk. II, I've just about got a living room and a kitchen now.

A Floater Left With Pleasure in the Executive Washroom:
This isn't you
It's just what you do.
Don't mistake the irony of calling it "a living".

If you feel like nothing,
if you feel like no one,
you're only taking what they're giving.

When the aging pipefitter(which means he probably knows my dad) at work comes up to me while I'm obviously working on something else and says "Hey, Mr. Computer, I need speakers.", all I want to do is beat the fucker with the length of pipe his partner is carrying because, surprisingly, my name isn't actually "Mr. Computer" and, if you're going to call me by a made up, semi-professional sounding name, it had damn sure better be Dr. Rock. I mean, I know Tom is such an exotic and hard to remember name and all, particularly if he does know my dad, who has the exact same name as me, but I've been here for a year now and fixed numerous issues for this guy, the least he could do is remember my name since I remember that his name is Chris.

folk song.:
"Judge a book by it's cover"
And "Keep one eye on your back"
I heard "Only play the cards you're shown"
I say fuck what they say
It doesn't matter anyway
Only in your grave are you alone.

I spent Saturday in the sun in Green Bay with Hanna.(I realize now that I probably haven't mentioned her name yet. I've been hanging out with her for a few months, most recently, we had a picnic where LARPers joined in. It was awesome and not just because of LARPers.) I was stressed and nervous because we were spending the afternoon with her friends. I mean, I'd have been nervous spending with her, too, because I think she's so awesome, but adding people I don't know all that well to the equation adds more layers of nervousness. Every time a girl I've liked has also liked me(a rare occurrence, indeed), her friends have hated me and I mean hated. Part of that is probably the fact that I'm clearly nervous about the situation, but I've never gotten the benefit of the doubt in that situation where I don't really want to fuck up because if her friends hate me, it's not a far cry for her to lose interest. Thing is, I don't think I had any reason to be nervous, her friends don't hate me. They don't scowl at me, they talk to me and I do my best to talk back with them, when I can overcome my shyness. I think there's a chance that they're into the idea of her and I. It's a sentiment that I'm very unfamiliar with, and therefore, nervous about.

Anyways, how is the quoted lyric applicable to anything? Well, see, the part about I heard "Only play the cards you're shown"? Yeah, that's one that I unfortunately follow all too well. See, I was kind of hoping to tell her how much I like hanging around with her, even when we're just driving around rather aimlessly, and how totally awesome I think she is which would have ultimately led to me holding her hand or that's what I had built up inside my head, but I got that completely irrational what if she stabs me voice in my head again telling me that perhaps she doesn't want me to do that, even though we've kissed and it should be readily apparent to anyone with a brain that she wants me to hold her hand. Only play the cards you're shown I think I was hoping for her to make a move, which was very lame of me, I know. Fuck what they say, it doesn't matter anyway, right?

My failure that night echoed in my head as I was navigating roundabouts in the dark, desperately trying to find the highway so I could get home and not sleep in my car at a rest stop to try to find my way again when it was light out and I could use the sun as a navigational aide.

said Tommy T. at 11:41 AM - #

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