Sunday, September 06, 2020
Christ, it's been over a year, now. Shit's worse. Story of my life, right? I took another garbage job, where I worked for three months. Motherfuckers got hacked by Russians who tried to ransom their data. I honestly wish I was making that up, but it's thing that happened. Yeah, a real shitshow. Pwned by a bunch of script kiddies from a bloc country. I quite literally walked out of that place when I realized the whole pandemic thing was a real concern and that the place I worked gave no shits about people coming in to work sick. The day that really tipped the scales for me was when the homeless guy who begs for money saying "I smell like shit because I haven't been able to wash my clothes" bothered me and I had to let him know that he didn't smell anywhere near as bad as the guy in the next cubicle. Now I've got another shitty job that I'm looking forward to leaving because it's another fucking joke. We've been working from home and had on-site access for over a month, but my co-worker still doesn't have a badge to get on-site and I still don't have the access I need to get to the mail room to pick up my parts orders. I hate flitting from job to job the past couple years, while I'm mere months from turning forty, the birthday where I'm supposed to kill myself.
I've had the idea for years that on my fortieth birthday, I was going to kill myself because "the first forty are the best forty". I think of that quote and look at my life, and think "you're telling me it gets worse?"The past decade has been varying degrees of awful: I've gained a disability, I've been on a handful of dates, and on those dates, I've been attracted to comically few of them, the last one I WAS attracted to may well have voted for Trump because she was a ""libertarian", which I've found is code for "Republican who wants to smoke weed". She believed the constitution was infallible, and told me that she couldn't vote for Hillary, but also couldn't vote for Trump. There's a right answer and a wrong answer as to who to vote for in that situation, and I'm curious which she chose. I don't really care, though, because every time we hung out, she had to get a fifth of brandy and a pack of smokes. I gave that up after I realized this was bad news, when she said the asshole from the video game club on Degrassi had a point when he said that the girl with the hijab might be a terrorist. I haven't been excited for a date since, which hasn't been fair to the women I've tried to date and that makes me feel awful. In the meanwhile, I've taken to drinking too much on weekends. I'm embarassed to say, it's borderline alcoholism. I drink and I watch Law and Order: SVU all day. So here I am, months away from forty, and setting myself on fire on a random street corner, as was the plan, doesn't seem so bad. But it seems like it would hurt. A lot. And I'm worried there would be some asshole Samaritan who would ruin the whole thing.
Man, I don't know. I miss being hopeful about tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure tomorrow will suck. I had an interview with a company I'd legitimately like to work for, and that I trust, that I think went well. I want to believe I can land that job, and I might be able to, but I worry the pay isn't where it needs to be. While I've worked in my job for over a decade, I haven't pursued certifications or further learning as hard as I know I should. I feel like I'm a lazy drunk piece of shit and I want to get in a TARDIS and meet my 19 year old self and fuck up the space/time continuum, space and time be damned. Maybe I could prevent so much of all this.
said Tommy T. at 7:42 PM - #
|
I've had the idea for years that on my fortieth birthday, I was going to kill myself because "the first forty are the best forty". I think of that quote and look at my life, and think "you're telling me it gets worse?"The past decade has been varying degrees of awful: I've gained a disability, I've been on a handful of dates, and on those dates, I've been attracted to comically few of them, the last one I WAS attracted to may well have voted for Trump because she was a ""libertarian", which I've found is code for "Republican who wants to smoke weed". She believed the constitution was infallible, and told me that she couldn't vote for Hillary, but also couldn't vote for Trump. There's a right answer and a wrong answer as to who to vote for in that situation, and I'm curious which she chose. I don't really care, though, because every time we hung out, she had to get a fifth of brandy and a pack of smokes. I gave that up after I realized this was bad news, when she said the asshole from the video game club on Degrassi had a point when he said that the girl with the hijab might be a terrorist. I haven't been excited for a date since, which hasn't been fair to the women I've tried to date and that makes me feel awful. In the meanwhile, I've taken to drinking too much on weekends. I'm embarassed to say, it's borderline alcoholism. I drink and I watch Law and Order: SVU all day. So here I am, months away from forty, and setting myself on fire on a random street corner, as was the plan, doesn't seem so bad. But it seems like it would hurt. A lot. And I'm worried there would be some asshole Samaritan who would ruin the whole thing.
Man, I don't know. I miss being hopeful about tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure tomorrow will suck. I had an interview with a company I'd legitimately like to work for, and that I trust, that I think went well. I want to believe I can land that job, and I might be able to, but I worry the pay isn't where it needs to be. While I've worked in my job for over a decade, I haven't pursued certifications or further learning as hard as I know I should. I feel like I'm a lazy drunk piece of shit and I want to get in a TARDIS and meet my 19 year old self and fuck up the space/time continuum, space and time be damned. Maybe I could prevent so much of all this.
said Tommy T. at 7:42 PM - #
|
www.flickr.com
This is a Flickr badge showing public items from tommytumult tagged with awesometown!. Make your own badge here.
Subscribe in a reader