Sunday, February 16, 2014

I don't know, contemplating that last one more, I want to find anyone attractive, but I simply can't. I put in my time at work every day, which sounds bad, but I actually enjoy being there, because the people don't suck ass. But, don't get me wrong, there's cute girls there, that make my day when I have to help them. There's all kinds of girls around here who pique my interest, I contemplate talking with them, but hanging near them turns me off because of the whole But then She Spoke situation where the girl looks cute until she speaks and reveals that she's an entitled idiot white person. Male or female, that's fucking annoying and I want no part of that bullshit. It's that kind of thing that makes for why I don't make a lot of friends here, I'm not about to waste my time on idiot white people. I'm very opinionated and I'm not going to apologize for that anymore, I'm too old for that horseshit, I've got the gray hairs to prove it.

I'm beginning my favorite book ever, Catch 22, while I'm on my volunteer shift at the bookstore. I'm interested in how I'll view the book reading it now over ten years later. I've heard that it doesn't hold up, but I have my doubts. I haven't read this since I lost my copy to Fiona's dad. That dude hated me for very good reason, but that was the last girl I felt really good around and that was over ten years ago. I think about that a lot and I get bummed.Her dad was a priest for some crazy southern religion, probably the one where they worship the snakes, and Catch 22 went against their thinking because it suggests that you question your superiors. I'm of the opinion that Yossarian lives, despite being a huge pessimist.

I've yet to meet anyone from my generation who has read the book, I've actually only read it because the author Joseph Heller died shortly after my nineteenth birthday and Simpsons creator Matt Groening wrote a great obituary about him which was reprinted in the local shit rag in the town I was going to college in. After reading that article, I went straight out to get the book. I understood that it was something that I needed in my life at that point, being a young dipshit working as a line cook for the college, the best job I've ever had, my favorite job, at least. I don't know, I knew I was an outcast back then, self inposed, though it might be, because I actually liked to read books and didn't care who thought I was a nerd. I had badly dyed blue hair at that point, which faded quickly to booger green because I didn't realize that you have to wash it in cold water to sustain the color.

I actually attempted to make an omelet yesterday morning, which I used to make so many times every morning at that job and I got comments from the teaching staff that my omelets were the best they'd ever had, which made me extremely proud every time, but I've lost my edge. I can't flip them like I used to anymore. I used to be able to flip a three egg omelet, a big ass omelet as I called it on weekends, with just a spatula and I wouldn't tear it making a huge mess. I can't do that any more. Part of it is that I don't have a huge fucking griddle space to work with anymore, but another huge part is that I don't have the confidence from doing it a hundred times every morning. I can still crack eggs one handed, which I've learned through necessity, being one handed and all.

The thing that sucks is that I haven't had that feeling in the pit of my stomach from anybody that I've met in a very long time, years now. You know, when you meet someone and you talk to them and they're cool and insanely attractive because they're smart and a good fit and someone you'd like to spend time with and every time you see them you get butterflies and your heart races? I don't know if that's a thing that disappears with age or what, but it just doesn't happen anymore. I don't know if it's because I've seen too much or met too many people and have been let down so many times, but it's just not there anymore. Even the girl who used to have fire engine red hair didn't do that for me and any chance of anything there stopped as soon as I realized that she's probably a lesbian or so her facebook profile picture would suggest. It's unfortunate, but that's something I look for as a bellwether signifier that hey, maybe I should do something in that situation. I don't know if that will come back if I go somewhere else and meet more people and find someone who is genuine or if I'm jut wasting my time looking for that again.

said Tommy T. at 5:22 PM - #

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