Wednesday, January 08, 2014

I'm a little confused by the Christmas present my step-mom gave me. It's a thumbdrive computer dongle called rabbit TV. Its packaging boasts that it gives you access to over 5000 channels and a comical amount of movies. Far as I can tell, it's a thumb drive loaded with links to various television networks that allow streaming of their shows. What is it about women that makes them concerned that I don't have cable in my house and haven't for almost ten years? I mean it seems like, to women, if I tell them that, they think I'm some destitute human being who is starved for something to watch and how can my life be complete without knowing what the fuck a Honey Booboo is? Why? Why is it important? Why is it assumed my life is incomplete if I don't know about the latest sitcom starring Tony Danza with the crazy new catch phrase? I have no fucks to give to any of it. I don't know what the fuck Duck Dynasty is, I thought it was a live action retelling of Ducktales, which is the only thing that makes sense in my mind to justify its popularity. When the racist, homophobic man made statements last month and people were shocked, I was confused because I don't remember a character on Ducktales that was that big of an asshole. Surely, that's not launchpad or even Uncle Scrooge and what's up with th ridiculous facial hair?

I'm unfortunately on facebook, I listen to NPR on my way to work every morning, and I read reddit so I feel like I know what's going on in the world, even when they talked about the twerk thing, I learned what it was. I haven't seen video of it yet, but I understand that I don't need to to know what happened and not having seen it hasn't killed me yet and hasn't deprived me of anything.

I have internet in my house, so I can download any goddamn thing I want to watch, so episodes of Doctor Who get watched as soon as they're done airing in the UK.Otherwise, I'm not missing any great cultural phenomenons. Once in a while, I'll check out the new shows to see what's happening, I'll download Big Bang Theory to see if they stopped making Blossom be frumpy(I've harbored a crush on Blossom for over 20 years. I'm too old for this kind of thing, but if I met her in real life I'd lose my shit.) and if they've stopped laughing at the nerds and they've done none of those things, so I don't feel bad for not paying to watch it.

My grandma asks how my brother and I get through life without television and I explain that $8 a month gets you unlimited movies on Netflix.

"But how do you know what the weather is going to be?"

"I've lived in Wisconsin basically my whole life. If it's January, it's going to be cold. In the Spring, it might rain or it might not, bring an umbrella. Go outside and you'll figure out real quick what the weather is." My grandma doesn't understand the internet because she's terrified of anything that's new ever. They're putting a roundabout in in my home town next summer. NEXT summer. She's already talking about how she has to stop driving because she doesn't know how to navigate roundabouts.

"Just go to the right, grandma"

"But there's two lanes, right? And if you're in the one lane, you can't get out? So, you could be stuck there all day going around in a circle until you run out of gas." No, my grandma has never seen European Vacation and she has a television and cable.

said Tommy T. at 9:03 PM - #

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