Saturday, October 27, 2012

So this thing has been around for ten years now. Over the course of ten years, this thing has moved around almost as much as I have. I think it started out hosted at my mom's ISP and then moved to tommytumult.com, then to myspace, then to twenty-nothing.org(which was lost after a year and could now be called thirty-nothing because I'm definitely not a something working a shitty temp job), then to ultimately be hosted on Google's blogger servers. Most of it is kind of embarrassing to look at, so I don't do it often or ever, really. At its best, a lot of it reads like a page of Karl's diary, though I don't know if I've ever asked "Have I told you about the immune system?" I used to be a hurricane, now I'm just a breeze. At the time I started this, blogger wasn't owned by google and was its own thing. I had always planned on subscribing to their service when I could scrape together $20 to shoot their way. Turned out, when google bought them, they gave free hoodies to subscribers, which bummed me out. They used to feature a few well written blogs every day on the blogger front page and there were a couple I wound up reading often because of it. I liked to read them because it felt good to read about other people living cool lives while I was working at the potato factory getting yelled at in Hmong and broken English "You work fasser now!". One of my favorite blogs was by this chick who was studying forensic science at the University of Florida. There's a post she had that I think documented the second Fest and how the whole town was taken over by walking stereotype punks. She took her site down soon after being featured because someone was reblogging her posts, so I don't know if she ever passed her trig class, graduated and got into police forensics. I don't know how she handled Legolas getting married because she had an obsession with Orlando Bloom like a lot of women did ten years ago. I don't think I ever thought or hoped that my own blog would exist in ten years, 1450 posts later(the main page tells me this is a true number, but I imagine the audioblogger posts don't work anymore since that service was discontinued seven years ago) and I'm pretty sure it won't in another ten, it'll be long abandoned only discoverable by a well placed google or bing(yeah right, bing still around in ten years) search. I started it as a way to help my friends understand what I mean when I say I hate people and to let the world know I exist. I've failed miserably at the first goal.  Comments have been busted for the better part of a month now, not that it matters because it's not a thing people use, but it's not the kind of thing that I have the time or the patience to make work again. You can email me at my fake name at gmail.com if you really feel the need to tell me I'm an asshole. I recently contemplated starting a food blog documenting my excursions in the kitchen , but my kitchen sucks and I'm shitty at photographing food and making it look edible and nothing I've made for the past year has turned out at all. Somehow every kitchen I've had over the past ten years has gotten progressively smaller. That's a trend that needs to stop. I don't like that one of the best kitchens I've ever had access to in recent memory was Willie's. I digress...

I think this will be interesting, though:

Dear young Tom,

I'm writing you from ten years in the future. I'll try not to include any information that could cause a paradox and throw off the space/time continuum, making the world as lame as Back to the Future part 2. This might be tough.

First off, I want you to know that you're strong. You don't give yourself enough credit, but you really are a better person than you think you are. I know that's not a promising beginning, but you really need to let yourself feel okay sometimes. Shit might go pear shaped sometimes, but you'll come out of it.

Currently, I think you're working at a potato factory. If not, I just destroyed the space/time continuum. Anyways, you're probably working a shit job scraping potatoes off the ground. Keep at it, you're going to throw your bosses for a loop in a little while. Big Al's a cool guy, you should talk to him more often. His lumberjack stories are often quite hilarious and his wife Barb makes great banana bread. Go back to school. Don't go for computers, do culinary arts. Dad's wrong when he says that it's only for fags. That dude isn't secure in his masculinity. I know you're watching Tech TV right now and thinking that's the best channel ever, but you really need to watch the call-in show with Leo Laporte. Watch it closely. The lady who calls asking why she no longer has wireless internet access when her neighbor secured their network is something you had better familiarize yourself with. Okay, turn that shit off, you'll understand soon enough. Turn on Degrassi again or that one show with the Australian chick with the super hot accent.

Things are going to happen over the next ten years that are pretty much shitty. There's nothing you can do to prevent it, so it's probably hardly worth me mentioning it. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but the people you trust the most in this world are going to deceive you worse than you can even imagine. Because of this, you're going to find out just how deeply you can hate someone. You're going to hate that person almost as much as you hate yourself. I know you don't think that's even possible, but I assure you it very much is. I promise you, however, that you'll get revenge, Leonardo Leonardo style. Don't let revenge rule your life, though. "He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves".

Some advice for you: Don't trust anyone over the age of five who has never seen Back to the Future. Those are terrible people. Keep the straight edge. It's a good idea. Talk to the girl at the potato factory. Do it. Don't give up your radio show. Don't give it up for anything, that radio show is your weekly release and how you keep your sanity. Yeah, the hours are terrible, but people actually do listen, more than the guy that requests Detachable Penis every week at 11:59 or the guys who call collect from the correctional facility. Definitely keep doing the band thing, though. Jim and Kevin are good guys, even if Jim is a tremendous asshole. Don't ever trust a hippy, don't even associate with one. They're as worthless as you think they are. If someone ever tells you they have a friend who is a hippy and suggests you meet them, kindly bow out and mention that you're morally opposed to trustafarians. Don't compromise your values. Ever. Not for anybody. Don't lose your hatred and anger, it may be the only thing keeping you going at times.

 Yo, throw the Frisbee a couple times for Heidi for me, that dog is awesome. So is Emma. Emma jumps three feet in the air whenever she sees you, don't forget that. I shouldn't have to remind you that labs don't live for ten years, so you know what's going on here. Give some treats to Boz, too. Young Tom, Boz is already fucking old in 2002, so don't be a moron.

I don't think I've included anything that will cause a rift in time. If I've fucked up the whole wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff(you'll understand later), I apologize.

Good luck, sir, you're gonna need it.

Dr. Thomas Tumult

Dear old Tom,
This is intended for you in the year 2022.  Are you still kicking? You're so old! If you're reading this, it means you didn't kill yourself the day you turned 40 like you always said you would. Pussy. I don't know what your reasons are for not going through with it but they damn sure better have been good. Good, as in, your arm and hand work properly again and you're able to safely ride a bike or you can run. Or good as in you live in Seattle again and are making it work out there. Whatever your reason, it had better not be because of another person. You learned your lesson about ten years ago that people are excrement, pieces of shit, and are not to be trusted, not even your family. Watch the movie Sons of Norway again if you've forgotten Johnny's speech at the end. Also, remember: "I'll die for you, but I won't live for you." There isn't a human in the world worth staying alive for.
At the point in your life I'm currently at in 2012 , I'm working a silly contract job that amounts to little more than data entry for a company's wiki. You're trying to figure out who to vote for for president: "No one" or "None of the above". It's a big decision weighing heavily on you right now. Also, you've recently reactivated your profile on the bad Internet dating site and received a message that contained the sentence "I don't have the patients(sic) to cook something that takes more than an hour." That's two strikes in one sentence. Totally awesome! They recently started a new Ninja Turtles cartoon and Jason Biggs, pie-fucker himself, voices Leonardo. They're now six episodes in and no sign of Casey Jones, so, yeah, it's a failure. You've recently moved to Milwaukee and you're finding it's an interesting place full of opportunity. You live with your brother and it's pretty cool. I hope you didn't stay there, though, it's not a place to live, it's a dirty town. I hope you don't wind up back in central Wisconsin for any reason, your high school self would kick your ass if he found out you're there and thinking it's not so bad. It's a place that destroys your soul and won't let you escape. It's where dreams go to die.  I also hope for your sake you never made children. You currently can't use your left hand and therefore can't play sports with them, so you'd be the old, uncoordinated dad on the sidelines talking about how great Starbucks is. Not cool. You like taking five mile walks, which I hope you never lose and it really annoys you when people slurp their coffee.

So, future Tom, you still into Doctor Who? How did they get around being out of regenerations or is he fully dead now? Do they still use phones in the future? Are there flying cars yet? If so, you had better have your Cadillac back. There'd be nothing more awesome than a flying cherry red '79 Cadillac Coupe Deville blasting Green Onions. Is Tomsgiving a still a thing? Are you fat? Do you still work in computers? I hope not, for your sanity. Have you done any traveling? Get back to Canada? Did you start smoking again? Luckys or Chesterfields or did you ever find those deadly Chinese filterless cigarettes? Mickey the cat died a month ago, did Mom ever get a new cat? Did you ever get that hedgehog you considered getting? How's Brent? Still in Alaska? Have you lived in a place as cool as your Point apartment? The kitchen was lacking, but that was otherwise an awesome place. What are your thoughts on punk rock? Currently, you're not sure if you even give a shit about it anymore. Punk rock supplied you with some of the best times you've ever had, but it also hasn't done much to help you the past couple years. I hope you didn't end up like StevO from the SLC Punk movie. Keep Milo's words close to your heart "Thou shalt not commit adulthood!"

I honestly hope you're dead,


said Tommy T. at 7:39 AM - #

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