Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Tuesday night is movie night in hell, so Satan picked out a real stinker to show the patrons at his coffee shop, Turd Burglar's. Her movie pick of the week was a newer movie which had me excited for a moment because it starred Miranda July. But The Future was a real let down because the protagonists were entirely unlikeable Generation Y Bother pieces of shit. If you didn't know how this was going to end after the first five minutes, you're probably retarded. Two entitled morons rescue a feral cat, drop it off at the shelter and tell it they'll pick it up in 30 days. They then decide that these are the last 30 days of their free lives because that's just the way so-called bohemians think, so they decide to live the next 30 days to their fullest, which involves sleeping with a creepy old guy, stopping time and wandering aimlessly to try to find meaning in everything. They waste their 31 days on nothing and return to the shelter on the 32nd day to find their cat was put down. End movie. Yes, I just spoiled it for you. That's how we operate in hell.

I spoke with Satan afterwards to give suggestions for next week's movie, telling her that perhaps Blue Valentine would fit her requirement of showing only torturous, shitty movies, but she let me know that seeing Michelle Williams' boobs is too uplifting for the the citizens of hell, so that couldn't possibly be shown around here. I tried, I guess, but next week's movie is probably Manos: The Hands of Fate or Night of the Lepus or possibly that animated Adam Sandler movie about Hanukkah.

said Tommy T. at 11:45 AM - #

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