Monday, July 13, 2009

Dear AT&T,

Fuck you and all that you stand for.

I spent an hour and a half on the phone last week trying to get your people to move my internet from my old place to my new place. I was transferred between seven different people, all with different American accents, none of whom could change my goddamn address to one that's a mile away from the old one, an address that is quite literally down the street and around the corner from one of your offices.

When I got to the eighth lady last week, I told her what was up, saying "Look, I've been on the phone for over an hour, you either get internet transferred or you cancel it and you do it without transferring me again. The choice is yours." Your lady made the right choice for you, deciding that, yes, business is good, so she got my old shit shut off and told me that a man would show up on Saturday to hook me up. This man, she said, had the hook-ups. She then told me that her guy with hook-ups would arrive between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. and that I'd need to be home to make this thing happen. You're cramping my style taking an entire Saturday from me like that, but Red wizard needs bandwidth, badly!, so I'll take what you can give me.

Now, imagine my dismay when, after an entire day at my house waiting for the doorbell to ring, it never does. Your man with the so called "hook-ups" can't give me my internets. They tell me they can get internet in outer fucking space but you can't get it in my apartment for reasons that I can't even begin to understand, and I went to school to be a network guy, so my comprehension of this kind of shit exceeds your average human's. Why can space monkeys and the martians check their gmail and I can't?

I want YOUR service, AT&T, because I've looked into this shit. Yours is the least evil service in my area and the fastest because every one of you bastard telecoms is dragging your feet rolling out fiber, even though you were given untold billions to do it seventeen years ago while japan gets 1Gbps lines.

I swear by all that you hold good and holy that, if the date finally hits July 1st and they get their shit together and get tickets and hotel rooms available to order and I miss out, you motherfuckers will pay.

In closing, thank you, you fucking pricks, for making me have to once again research internet providers in my area. If I'm lucky, one of your brethren will have a better deal than yours and maybe they won't even cap my bandwidth.

I look forward to the day you bastards get put out of business.


Tommy Tumult

said Tommy T. at 10:02 AM - #

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