Thursday, February 12, 2009

I went to bed last night at 5:30. No Nyquil, no sleeping pills, no whiskey. Just went to sleep. Not because I needed it all that badly, I probably didn't. I did it to in an effort to prevent myself from doing something very dumb.

I was given the advice that I should wait for a call until Wednesday. If I hadn't received that call by then, I should not call. I should instead reply with something similar to "thought i was gonna hear from you but i'm actually glad you didn't call because i had to go out of town last-minute this past weekend. do you have any plans this upcoming weekend? my number is 588-2300, let me know when you want to meet up this weekend and get some coffee or something." because there I'm not asking her out, I'm telling her you're going out. Apparently, girls like assertiveness. From what I hear from other external sources, it's very true.

I didn't and don't want to do that. I don't want to play god damn games. Games fuel self doubt and that motherfucker doesn't need any more fuel than it already has. It's already got me wondering in that 47 seconds of phone call, did this girl hear something that I don't know about? Am I retarded? Autistic? Or just plain an asshole? Too skinny, too fat, too ugly, too poor, too lame, too geeky, too pale, not smart enough, too insane?

Thoughts like that lead to desperation, which leads to a lowering of standards, which leads to laying in bed with a girl a couple months into the relationship watching Family Guy and wondering if she actually got that reference to The Graduate or if she's just laughing because "hey! talking baby!" and no one needs that shit, particularly me.

I've got to go with Erin's advice, if she's not calling, then, dude, she's not that into me. A reply now trying to set something up would be demeaning to me and I don't need that.

So I'm at 0 for 4 on these damn things, four that said "Hey, you're really neat. We should hang out sometime." Unfortunately, I don't speak the right dialect of English where sometime means never. I guess I've got to work on that one.

I don't really want to deal with this shit anymore, I don't want the anger and absolute loathing I feel when talking to women because, when I do, it tends to lend cadence to my theory that relationships are a war, a power struggle where the one who wants or needs the relationship the least is the one with the upper hand. I'd love to not believe that, but I can only go off of my experiences and the things I've witnessed. So I think I have to give up for a while, a long while. I hate myself, my life and my job entirely enough as it is, I don't need anyone else helping me hate it all more.

In the meantime, if you've ever wondered, the internet isn't for dating, the internet is for porn.

said Tommy T. at 9:02 AM - #

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