Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Okay, I'm bored at work because the guy whose computer issue was "urgent" decided that me taking his laptop for an hour to add RAM, do a spyware scan, get his wireless working, run windows updates, and replace his shitty battery with a slightly less shitty one doesn't fit in his schedule until tomorrow. I'm thinking that means his issue isn't urgent, but what do I know? I'm just a miracle worker who brings these god damned things back from the dead.

Now, I've got nothing to do, nothing to type about because I haven't done anything this week because it's Hoth cold outside and I need to quit drinking so much to get rid of the beer paunch. So I'll make up some shit to type, and what better than something that'll save you money and me headaches? I've gotten too many calls, both at work and at home, about folks with viruses, trojans or spyware. If you call me after 9 on a weekend, you'd best be prepared, for I WILL curse you for all eternity.

Here's how to fix your computer when you fuck it up bad from looking at weird porn or trying to pimp your myspace or by playing the 1337 h4XX0r. First, you'll know that you've got a problem if you're getting all kinds of odd pop-ups, which you know as well as I do are bad. Modern web browsers block those damn things. Get one. Update to IE7, or the IE8 beta if you can find it(I don't have internets yet, so I can't help with that), get Opera or firefox 3. I know, firefox 3 sucks, but 2 has reached its EOL(end of life), meaning there's no more updates to it and its phishing filter is turned off, though if you fall for a phishing scam, you probably deserve your fate. If you're a firefox user, you may consider the flashblock extension, which blocks flash objects, meaning no more of those retarded "Kick the monkey in the nuts, win an ipod ad" because that shit's fake.

If you're getting those pop ups, you're probably already fucked, though, and a new browser won't help that. If your pop ups are telling you "ZOMG!1!! You've got viruses, spyware, adware, trojans, and the bubonic plague" and they're telling you to buy "Antivirus 2009" or something like that, don't click them. DON'T CLICK THEM, DAMMIT!. The first thing you should do is not panic. Next, hit Alt and F4 to close the window. Now open Internet Explorer(I know. IE is bad) and click on Tools->Windows Update. Run Windows Update and make sure to get this month's "Microsoft Malicious Software Removal Tool". Install that and reboot.

If you're really lucky, Antivirus 2009 won't let you access Windows Update or any other number of sites. Again, don't panic. You've got a rootkit but we'll get rid of it. Click Start->Settings->Control Panel, double click on System, click the hardware tab and click Device Manager. In Device Manager, click on View and Show hidden Devices. Now find Non-Plug and Play Drivers and hit the plus sign next to it. Disable anything and everything with TDSS in the title. Now you're golden. Do the windows update.

Next, we do the serious shit. Go to malwarebytes.org* and click on the green download box on the left. No, your other left. Don't worry, it took my dad five minutes to find it and that's five minutes of me sighing on the phone that I want back. "Oh, MY left." That's right, your left. Download it, install it, and click on the update tab and make sure it's up to date. When that's done, click the scanner tab, click the bubble next to "Perform full scan" and then click scan. If your computer is more than two years old, go watch television for an hour. Come back and remove everything it finds. I don't care if it breaks your music stealing software. Get soulseek or learn how to use bittorrent. DON'T call me for advice on how to use either unless you're offering beer.

If your shit's still slow or shitty, you need more RAM and/or you need to reinstall windows. RAM is cheap these days and an ape can install it after reading a simple HOWTO from google. If you need to reinstall windows and you weren't given a cd to do so, congratulations "Dude, you got a Dell!" Seriously, though, you better buy some beer because we're gonna have a long weekend.

If you have anything of real importance on your computer that, given the choice between the two, you'd rather lose a testicle than lose your file, you need to back it up. Back it up in MANY places. External Hard Drives are cheap, as are flash drives. There's no reason whatsoever that you can't back up something you don't want to lose. None.

*DISCLAIMER: Malwarebytes is BY NO MEANS an alternative to anti-virus software. If you're using windows without anti-virus, you damn sure better be careful. If you need an anti-virus program, AVG is free legally or someone you know who works for beer and should have internet in his home by next Tuesday can find you norton corporate, which is what that someone puts on his mom's computer.

said Tommy T. at 1:35 PM - #

Get Firefox

This is a Flickr badge showing public items from tommytumult tagged with awesometown!. Make your own badge here.
 Subscribe in a reader